Life Lessons

When I was five, my fathers job took us from our nest and planted us in a new city, far far away. It was in this city that I would learn a few very important life lessons. Sure I was only five, but they were lessons I needed to learn.

Lesson #1:

Your mother may only be concerned with the crumbs in the car made by the cookies that the new evil girl joining the carpool didn't share with you. Not that the new evil girl carpooling with you and your bestest friend ever only brought a cookie for herself and your bestest friend ever, and not you.

Of course it was an evil attempt to steal your bestest friend ever, and mock you, in your own car.

Sure, I was only 5, and "evil girl" was 6, but still - this meant war.

I would continue to battle with "evil girl" on the swings daily, at my bestest friends house playing dolls, even at "evil girls" house where I was once invited to come along and play, only to get chased out by her even evil-er mother. Finally, the school year ended and evil girl moved away, back to her evil land.

Lesson #2:

Never, ever, ever, throw mud balls. Ever.

This will surely result in your being chased down the street by an angry driver who now has mud all over his windshield because when the kids yelled "car!" you cleverly tossed it over your shoulder, not knowing that the car was right behind you.

And then your father comes home to hear about the mud ball incident only to chase the angry driver back up the street, with his trusty .45.

I swear that's how I remember it.

Lesson #3:

No matter how mad you are, no matter what your brother wont share with you, no matter what has happened, never, ever, call your brother the N word, especially when your mother is standing in earshot.

Remember the movie "A Christmas Story" with Ralphie...and how he says the mother of all curse words, and the mom calls the friends mother to blame the friend of course, but the friends mother tells her that Ralphie probably heard it from his father....well, you get where I'm going with this.

There I stood, the look of shock on their faces at hearing what I'd just said engraved in my memory to this day. I knew immediately that I'd said something very, very bad.

Lesson #4:

It's probably not a good idea to run down the newly paved street barefoot, when it's still wet.

That's it. Probably the stinkiest, stickiest life lesson yet.